I didn’t think she was eating pot

When last I left you, I was talking about my sister’s blog in a roundabout way. So now I return to address a subject about which she recently wrote on her blog, that subject being me, in which she has brought reproach upon my good character. I offer this as my return volley, my public tete-a-tete to you, Sister, if you will.

My sister wrote this ramble on her blog about me thinking she was eating pot.

• For the record, I didn’t think she was eating pot.

I was being sarcastic. Sort of like her husband doesn’t understand the word rhetorical, she doesn’t understand the word sarcrastic. I’ll spare you the Merriam-Webster definition of sarcastic (yes, I have to italicize it every time now), by the way, because if you’re reading this or my sister’s blog (sans link this time, how much butt-kissing can I do? – rhetorical question, Sister’s Hubby) and don’t know what the word means, then you’re at the wrong blog.

• For the record, I am neither a racist nor a homophobe.

On the issue of blacks or African-Americans: I would say some of my best friends are black, but I’ll be honest and tell you we live in redneck heaven (or is it hell?), so the number of African-Americans here I can count on one hand. Strange enough, though, the music of choice by many teens in this area is rap.

On the issue of homosexuals: My wife does have a friend from childhood who is gay, who yes, I always say to my sister when talking about her. “Yeah, Barbie (name changed, not because she isn’t out, but to protect confidentiality and all that, and it just seemed like a good name for a lesbian, don’t you agree? couldn’t Barbie have been a lesbian?), Margo’s (again name changed) friend, you know? The lesbian.”

On the issue of Native Americans: I have never liked a team with a name like Indians or Braves or Redskins (shudder to think of it, in fact) and I believe in the cause of Leonard Peltier. And, even though I don’t gamble, if I did, I would definitely spin the roulette wheel at their casinos over the white man’s. The Mafia has enough money as it is.

On the issue of Italian-Americans (now that I stuck my foot in my mouth): I loved The Sopranos, especially the first couple of seasons. For an interesting view on stereotyping in connection with the show, see here, especially if you’re a “noodle-bender.”

• For the record, I was not smoking, eating, snorting, ingesting, mainlining, whatever terms you want to use, marijuana when I was talking with my sister on the phone that night. I only smoked pot once in my life and like my hero Bill, I didn’t inhale.

True story, but that is a story for another blog entry on another day.

Sudden Wallet Awareness Disorder

The last time I left you, I was talking about gas, and not the kind that you put in the tank either, although speaking of the one that you put in the tank, it’s costing an awful lot lately, isn’t it? And you know where that hurts, most, the worst: the wallet, which brings me to the subject of today’s post.

Category

Anxiety Disorders

Etiology

By definition, sudden wallet awareness disorder is a result of a traumatic event in which the person, usually male, suddenly — hence, the term “sudden” — becomes aware — hence, the term “awareness” — that he doesn’t know where his wallet — hence, the term “wallet” — is located and responds in a manner not dissimilar to the seven stages of grief as defined by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross in her seminal work “On Death and Dying.”

Symptoms

So symptoms include:

• Shock or Disbelief: “I can’t believe I lost my wallet again.” Or even the person’s significant other commenting to the effect: “I can’t believe you lost your wallet again.”
• Denial: “I didn’t lose my wallet.” Or again even the person’s significant other commenting to the effect: “Don’t tell me, you lost your wallet again?”
• Bargaining: “Why couldn’t I have lost something else like a pen? I mean, I’m always losing them. Why not a simple Dollar Store pen?”
• Guilt: “I’m always losing my wallet.”
• Anger: “Where’s the *@!#$#! thing? I just had it a moment ago.” And the significant other’s response: “I don’t know, but I’m not helping you because you all go through this and it’s always in the stupidest place.”
• Depression: “I don’t know if I’ll ever find it, and if I don’t, the world will end in a fiery cataclysm.” Or the significant other’s response: “What’s the worse that can happen? Will the world end in a fiery cataclysm?” And your response, “Dammit, yes.”
• Acceptance and Hope: “I guess I’ll just have to accept that it’s lost forever and hope that a criminal doesn’t find it on the street and decide to use my identity or my credit card or my library card and start checking out books that the NSA might find seditious.”

Also like Acute Stress Disorder, other symptoms include:

dissociative symptoms such as numbing, detachment, a reduction in awareness of the surroundings, derealization, or depersonalization; re-experiencing of the trauma — where’s the last place I put it? that usually solves everything — avoidance of associated stimuli, and significant anxiety, including irritability — usually accompanied by the f-word, poor concentration, difficulty sleeping — if God forbids that it last that long, and restlessness — maybe if you just sit down and think about where you left it last, you’ll remember — which by the way never works. [italicized definitions added by author].(Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fourth Edition – Text Revision (DSMIV-TR), 2000, as cited at
AllPsych.com, 1999-2003)[1]

But unlike Acute Stress Disorder, symptoms don’t have to take that long to arrive. Symptoms can be present for a minimum of two seconds to a maximum of 24 hours, at which time you have to call to cancel your credit cards, and you don’t have to check out the entry: Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder.

Treatment

The disorder may resolve itself with time just as the wife says it will — It will show up sometime — or may develop into a more severe disorder, not PTSD, but close. If you’re going to self-medicate yourself during this point, hard liquor (a personal favorite: Jagermeister) is highly recommended as that always clears your head of everything.

Prognosis

Like Acute Stress Disorder:

Prognosis for this disorder is very good. If it should progress into another disorder, success rates can vary according to the specific of that disorder.(Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fourth Edition – Text Revision (DSMIV-TR), 2000, as cited at AllPsych.com, 1999-2003)[2]

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[1] “Acute Stress Disorder in Anxiety Disorders at ALLPYSCH Online. (1999-2003). Retrieved April 28, 2008 from http://allpsych.com/disorders/anxiety/acutestress.html

[2] Ibid.

To learn about every disorder under the sun, and then some, visit Humor-Blogs.com. It may cost you your sanity if you don’t visit. Of course, if you do visit, it may cost you too.