Law and Order: Special Bovine Unit

I’ve spent wasted a good bad third of my life in the newspaper industry as a reporter or editor, mostly for weekly newspapers. Most of the time, I’ve tried to focus on the good news, but it’s not always possible and even when you try to stay positive, you experience slow news days where you want something bad to happen.

Two years ago the company for which I worked “let me go” fired my butt and since then I’ve been eking out a living scraping the bottom of the barrel as a correspondent for a daily newspaper. Mostly I cover borough council and school board meetings in our town, but lately I’ve also been covering a district court in our area.

When I started, the paper was paying me per police item, except for DUIs because the paper wanted them consolidated into one item: “Drunken driving charges were filed against five people…” and then just list names, addresses, times and where the incident occurred. So when I went to the court and saw DUIs, I’d be all disappointed, because I wasn’t being paid as much. The first thing I’d look for under charges was if it was a DUI. “Oh, THAT again, whoop-te-do…Next.”

I also would look for “major” crimes such as sex crimes or armed robbery, because not only could I break them out into separate stories, but also I could get a byline with them. So in a sick twisted way, I began to root for the lucrative “major” crimes and root against those dime-a-dozen DUIs.

What didn’t make it any better is that I’d call the secretary at the district court, 20 miles away, before I traveled there, to see if enough charges have been filed to make it “worth my while” worth my money in gas to go up there.

“So how’s crime in Land of the Elk (name changed slightly to protect the stupid, as you will see),” I’d ask, secretly hoping a lot of crimes had been committed, especially “major” crimes.

“We’ve only had a few charges filed,” she usually said.

Then I’d ask: “Anything major?”

I suppose it’s somewhat the nature of the media, of being a “journalist,” but still it didn’t always set right with me.

My conscience is slightly clearer now (but unfortunately, my wallet a lot lighter) now that the paper has decided to only pay me per “package” or for a group of items. However, if it’s 10 or more items, the editor says I’ll get paid more, which now makes me think when I call up there, I’ll be asking the secretary instead:

“So how much crime is there in Land of the Elk these days?” I’ll ask, of course, still secretly hoping a lot of crimes have been committed, and still especially “major” crimes.

This isn’t the end of the post, but you still can visit Humor-Blogs.com to vote for this post, but also to find some other funny bloggers whom you really shouldn’t miss.

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Here are some of the “highlights” of some of the reports I’ve filed for the paper, with editorial comments that I’m usually not allowed to add added here when appropriate:

Man charged with shooting cow

Bob “The Clearly Disgruntled Neighbor” Thingamajigger, old enough to know better, Land of the Elk, was charged with cruelty to animals and criminal mischief in The Land of the Elk District Court for shooting a cow on Oct. 6 in White Tail Deer Township.

Thingamajigger allegedly shot the cow that belonged to his neighbor with a shotgun after the neighbor’s cows wandered onto his property. The cow was not fatally wounded.

[No editorial comment necessary]

Man charged for threatening woman with sword

Brian “Samurai Jack” Daniels, 23, Out in Left Field, was charged with two felony counts of terroristic threats and endangering welfare of children and three misdemeanor counts of unlawful restraint, recklessly endangering another person and simple assault for allegedly threatening a female with a sword [yes, you read that right, a freaking sword] in the presence of an infant.

According to court records, police responded to 2 Tarantino St. in Out in Left Field for a report of a domestic incident involving a knife at 10:35 p.m on April 6. A female victim told police Daniels had threatened her with a 3-foot “ninja” sword [oops, not a knife, but a freaking sword] and had hit a door to a bedroom at the residence twice. Police discovered a cut 2 inches deep in the door consistent with her statement as well as a 5-month-old sleeping in a playpen in the room and a 19-month-old in a nearby room [uh, are you kidding me?].

Man charged in domestic dispute

Tony “The Tiger” Soyze, 22 going on 15, Land of the Elk, was charged with harassment, simple assault, terroristic threats, criminal trespass, burglary and stalking in Elkland District Court.

On June 13, at an apartment in Key Largo Apartments, 44 Magnum Avenue, Land of the Elk, Tyree slapped a female victim in the face, calling her a whore, according to court records [And then as if that wasn't enough...] He then allegedly threatened to [not only] blow up the home of her parents, [but also] cut brake lines to their cars if he and the victim didn’t get back together and [wait, yes, there's more] stole a hidden key to the victim’s apartment. [Naturally having obtained the key] Later, he also allegedly broke into the victim’s apartment.

Man charged with punching father in face

Frank “The Ungrateful Son” Marino, 19, Out in Left Field, was charged with two counts of simple assault, two counts of recklessly endangering another person, criminal mischief and harassment.

According to court documents, on May 6, Marino allegedly jumped on his father at the residence where the two live along with Marino’s mother and punched him in the face several times after his father asked him to make telephone calls to seek employment. [Get a job, you bum.]

Woman charged with beating woman in the face at workstation [they like beating people in the face up in Land of the Elk]

Micki Good-and-Ready-to-Rumble, 27, Land of the Elk, was charged with simple assault and harassment in Land of the Elk District Court.

According to court documents, on May 22, Good-and-Ready-to-Rumble walked into Mark’s Real Estate Co. 214 Rumble Lane, Land of the Elk at 8:45 a.m. and grabbed a female employee at her workstation, pulling her over the desk and beating her in the face. Good-and-Ready-to-Rumble then fled the scene, police said. The female employee was taken to [the hospital], where she was treated for a blood-splattered face and concussions.

Good-and-Ready-to-Rumble later told police she did what she did “in retaliation,” according to court documents. [Wouldn't you like to know what caused this scene? I sure as heck would.]

Husband and wife charged with beating children

[and this one was with a byline -- woo hoo! Show me the money!

Bob Wheel Loose, 40, and his wife, Mary Wheel Loose, 44, both of somewhere far away from Land of Elk now, thank God, and formerly of 220 Main Street, Land of the Elk, were charged by Land of the Elk Borough Police with simple assault and harassment in Land of the Elk District Court.

Bob Wheel Loose was charged with two counts each of simple assault and harassment for an incident that occurred on March. 18,  2006; his wife one count each, for a separate incident the same date.

According to court documents, he struck his 10-year-old daughter and 7-year-old son with a belt 15 times each after finding them playing with "wire wraps" in his rig.

Mary Wheel Loose, stepmother to the children, hit the 7year-old boy with a wooden spoon on his buttocks, on the back of his left thigh and front of his right thigh, police said. This occurred after she first told him to pack "his stuff" in a box and then returned a few minutes later to question him, according to police. ["Why aren't you packing the box, you little fahrvenugen! I'll show you what happens when you don't pack a box. I'll get out the wooden spoon!" - Huh?]

Bruising was visible after several days and he was unable to sit for five days, according to court documents. In both cases, a 14-year-old girl, daughter of Bob Wheel Loose and stepdaughter of Mary Wheel Loose, took photos on a cell phone which she later showed to her mother, Kelly Wheel No Longer Loose, no address given, police said. [Smart, smart, girly. You go! Woo hoo!]

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